The One

Meeting "the one" used to mean you'd see each other from across the room for the very first time and just know. Or you'd fall into his arms and he'd catch you. You'd both reach for the same book at the same time. You'd have the same song lyrics stuck in your heads that you both hum under your breath in the same grocery store. In truth, it's a lot harder to just "happen" upon the person you're supposed to spend your life with.

Meeting "the one" was supposed to be as easy as Disney told us it'd be when we were 6. It was not supposed to be "that guy's the one, and this guy's the one, and that one... actually just looks really cute but I'll go with it, maybe that's the one over there? Okay, now I know this one is the one... and nope again." It should be easy, and maybe meeting the one would be easy if "the one" actually existed. If "the one" wasn't just something we've made up in our heads. How does someone even know if they're with "the one?" Because he makes your heart skip a beat and he makes you warm inside and he makes your cheeks glow? So basically guy number 4 could've been the one, but it didn't work out so you're going to say that guy number 7 is "the one" because it seems to be the only way to sum up the way you're feeling?

Is there a "one?" That's the question we're all asking, isn't it? What if you meet someone, fall in love, marry them, and then they die? Do you find love again or not, because you already had "the one?" And if you do find love again, are they "the one" and the first one wasn't? Or is the first one "the one" and the second one you love but just not as much as you could possibly ever love "the one?" There are so many gray areas when figuring out who is actually "the one."

I believe we have the ability to love multiple people in a lifetime, maybe even some at the same time, but I think we go our whole lives searching for "the one" and at the end of the day, we're still confused and defeated because we can't figure out why we can't find everything we're searching for.

I'm not sure there is a way or will ever be a way to figure out if the person you're currently with is the person you're meant to be with. I think you could be in a completely happy relationship and still have someone else on the other side of the world that could make you just as happy. I mean, there are roughly 7 to 8 billion other people on the planet. Logically speaking, there must be plenty of other people on this world that could make us happy. There are also plenty of people that could make us completely miserable, and life starts to suck when we have to weed through them all, trying to find the ones who will make us happy. But sometimes we find a good thing, and we throw it away in case there's a chance that "the one" might be somewhere else. Why do we do this? Why do we spend our whole lives searching for something perfect, something that checks off all our boxes, something NONEXISTENT, when maybe the imperfect person in front of us is all we could ever need?

It gets worse the longer you're in the dating game. You start to combine all the people you've been with in your head to create the perfect person. "I know I've found the one when the one has Joe's smarts, Tom's looks, Bill's humor" and so on and so forth. And then if you're like me, eventually you've got a list a mile long, you've stopped believing in love, and you think you'll never find the one. Maybe you even start thinking that everyone else on the earth has "the one" for them and you just don't. Maybe you're the one person making the world population an odd number. But then you meet someone again, and hey! They're the one! It's definitely this one!

Why are we so sure there is no "one" for us when we're single, and then immediately sure that we've found "the one" when we're taken? At some point, you just start getting paranoid that you're wasting time with the wrong person. You couldn't find this person before, what makes you think this person you're with now is "the one?" Maybe you'll break up and you'll be back where you were when you were single- thinking that there is no one out there for you. Or that if they are out there, you will never find them. So if the one you're with is not actually the one, then what are you even doing still with them? That is how you get stuck. You will never get anywhere thinking like that. You get so focused on building your list, and you think you'll instantly recognize this guy if he comes along, that you miss a perfectly good opportunity right in front of you. He may not be tall, dark, and handsome. He may not be everything you've ever dreamed of (or maybe you'll convince yourself that one day he will be, just so you can trick yourself into thinking you've found the one. But then everything he does will disappoint you if you keep thinking that he needs to adhere to your perfect idea of "the one"). He may not be the richest- or rich at all. But he's got a good heart. He may not be the smartest, but he'll take care of you when you're at your worst. He may not be anything at all like what you pictured, but it doesn't mean that he's not right for you. It doesn't mean you should throw him away to keep chasing after this fantasy of what you imagine "the one" to be like.

So why do we risk throwing away something good to find "the one?" It's really just an excuse for when our relationships don't work, isn't it? Think about it. When a relationship falls through, we chalk it up to them not being "the one." Maybe your ex would've been a good life partner but he never understood your jokes, and "the one" would've understood all your jokes, so it wasn't meant to be anyway. "The one" would've done the dishes more often. "The one" would've taken you out on fancier dates. Been more spontaneous. Been more romantic.

I also think it goes even deeper than that. Maybe we are so insecure about who we are, that we won't accept someone less than the perfect person to show ourselves to. But why do we do that? Why does it matter that we are insecure and imperfect if everyone is like that? Why would you want someone who is perfect when an imperfect person could relate to you so much better?

I'm not sure if there is one, definite reason for why our brains do this to ourselves, and why it continues throughout the generations. But I know we've got to stop. We don't have to stop dreaming, or hoping for a better world, or believing in people. But we also don't have to keep holding people to this expectation of "the one." If your partner has to live up to being the perfect person you imagine, then you also have to live up to being the perfect person they imagine. If you are with the right person -not "the one," just someone who is good for you and with you- then they should love you even with your imperfections. And if you truly want to experience love, know that love does not hold people to an unachievable standard, it takes them as they are. So maybe you're not sure if you're "meant to be" with the person you're with now. What about it? There are plenty of things we are not sure of. No one was sure humans would be able to fly one day, or create electricity, or have conversations with someone across the world. Maybe you wake up one day and say "yeah, this person is not who I thought I'd be with a couple years ago, but this person is someone who I now can't imagine being without." And isn't that what we're all looking for at the end of the day? Not someone to say, "You fit every detail of what I think I want, so let's do this" but someone who says "Life is big and scary, and full of the unknown. But what I do know is that you're with me all the way, I love you, you love me, and we can face this world together."

Screw "the one."